Isn't It Extraordinary?

When I was younger, I never thought to question the status quo. Things that were "normal" were that way because they should be. I took them for granted. Now that I am older, I find myself looking at these "normal" things in a different light. I analyze them and make my own judgments about them. One of these "normal" things is family--both marriage and having children.

Look at the institution of marriage! I truly think it is extraordinary. A person pledges to another that he/she will cherish, love, honor, and take care of the other for time and (in my personal beliefs) all eternity. How selfless is that? It is amazing! Dedicating one's life to another person. It's beautiful. It's Christlike. I love the concept of charity in marriage--you don't have to worry about yourself, because you know the other will take care of you; you can concentrate your efforts on the well-being of the other. It works because the other person is doing the same. It is a complete reciprocal relationship (this, of course, is speaking of marriage in its true and intended form, which is not necessarily how it is always carried out). The late Prophet Gordon B. Hinckley of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints spoke via satellite broadcast to the members in southern California in the month before he died. He spoke on marriage. He said that each spouse should be "anxiously concerned for the well-being" of the other. I love that! Anxiously concerned for their well-being! What could be more beautiful than a selfless marriage?

I am also impressed by the completely altruistic decision many people make to have children. In agrarian societies, having children would be of economic gain. In our modern society, they are a liability. The conscious decision to procreate, I believe, is selfless and beautiful. What's more beautiful is the parents' decisions to have lifestyles that continually support the nurturing and growth of children. Parents dedicate 20-30+ to the support of their children, putting aside personal interests and luxuries.

Granted, several marriages and families are not formed according to these ideals. However, the current trends in society do not define the institution. And the institution of marriage and family is most noble. Though I took it for granted in my youth, I appreciate it now. Isn't it extraordinary?

Routines, Rituals, Storytelling, and Humor

Last weekend when I was at the Stand for the Family Symposium, I talked with this lady about her paper, "The Ties That Bind." Her idea was that there are four things that keep families together: Routines, Rituals, Storytelling, and Humor. I was especially interested in this, because I just wrote a book on family traditions (routines and rituals!); so I kept listening.

She then told me how she has kept on believing in the family, despite all of her various families falling apart. I asked her how she kept believing, and she said that it was because of her belief in the Church. She then proceeded to explain that what kept her in the Church are those same four things: (these are her own words)

1) Routines: Daily taking advantage of prayer and scriptures; using fast, tithes and offerings, repentance, journal writing, and service regularly in my life.
2) Rituals: Honoring and partaking in the rituals of sacrament, temple worship, and prayer on a regular basis doing all that I could even when I slipped or "tottered"; even when I fell I maintained the principles and practices to the best of my ability. (of special importance to note is that when I was unworthy of receiving the blessings of the temple garments after speaking with Bishop I continued to wear them to tell Father and myself that I desired to be worthy and that I respected the covenant I had made even though I had fallen short of it)
3) Storytelling: Scripture reading and journal writing have been a significant part of my journey. I simply could not be where I am today if I had not partaken in these practices on a regular basis since my baptism at age 27 some 21 years ago. This I liken to the "storytelling" that binds the hearts and minds of us on earth to those who we left on the other side of the veil and connecting us to those yet to come. This of course leads ones heart to a significant remembrance of those who have gone before us and the genealogy work that must be done for them.
4) Humor: Humor might seem like the least of these components but to me it is a vital ingredient without which the rest do not come together. Humor, to me, is basically not taking yourself too seriously. It is looking for the joy and fun in all things; I believe it truly is there to be found, we just have to train ourselves to look for it. What an adventure, what a delight, it certainly does not allow things to become boring that way.


I found that idea profound. I believe it extends to any group of people that you would like to be bonded together. I am thinking about using these four things in my classroom when I am a teacher, to create a united class. When I create my own family, I will use these four principles to keep us strong.

The Purpose of Teaching

I'm studying to become a teacher, so I tend to think a lot about teaching. Lately I've been pondering on the purpose of public education in a democracy, and the purpose of teaching in general. I want to discuss the latter.

Knowledge is power, right? But why? Because knowledge increases one's ability to make choices (hence defined as agency--one's personal ability to choose for oneself). I see this illustrated in my own life all the time. For example, finding out that there is a concert on Wednesday gives me the ability to then choose if I will go to it or not; but first I need the knowledge of it. The more knowledge you have, the more choices you can make, the more full your life is--for you are actively creating it.

So if the function of teaching is to impart knowledge (or "construct" it, depending on the behavioral theory you subscribe to), then the purpose of teaching is to increase your students' ability to choose. That is the "why" of education. We teach so that students can have the necessary skills and knowledge to actively create their own lives. Hopefully we do so in a way that also imparts values of responsibility, accountability, and character. Hopefully our students use their agency for good. But our purpose is to give them the tools.

I came up with this little theory a few weeks ago, and recently found support for it from the apostles and general authorities of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In a Power of Teaching lecture at the BYU school of education, President Russell G. Osguthorpe of the General Sunday School Presidency stated the purposes of teaching to be "(1) To increase one’s power to exercise personal agency, and (2) To increase one’s capacity to love." Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles expounded upon the role of agency in teaching and learning in a recent address. The whole talk is wonderful, and has interesting implications for teaching.

For myself, the implications of what I have discovered are simple: I am teaching students, not lessons. The material is important only insomuch as it expands the world of the students. Teaching them how to learn and to take responsibility for their own learning will be one of my primary focuses. I want to inspire and enable my students to be active in deciding their own lives, rather than being acted upon.

Making a Stand

For those of you that don't know, I self-published a book recently. It is a compilation of family traditions that is intended as a resource for families--similar to a baby name book--you browse through it and pick traditions that sound fun to implement in your family.

Anyway, I started this book several years ago, but got discouraged with the project. When my friend told me about the Stand for the Family Symposium, I decided to write a proposal about my book for it. And they accepted it--so I had to finish my book.

It never occurred to me that by participating in the symposium I would be making a stand. I honestly did not know when I applied to the symposium that its main purpose is to promote the preservation of the traditional family with the traditional definition of marriage. My book's appearance in this symposium shows support for that political view. (I personally espouse that political view, so that is ok with me)

I realized that when I read the following message from a friend. I spammed all of my friends, asking them to share their traditions with me so I could finish the book. This was her reply:

Dear Sabrina
While I wish you the best of luck in pursuing your passions and participating fully in this conference, I cannot offer my family traditions to, or support, the Stand for the Family Symposium.
Respectfully,
*name has been omitted

I read that and was struck. At first I had no idea what would cause her to not support the symposium. Then I realized that defining marriage as only between a man and a woman goes against her personal beliefs about government, and that the symposium therefore would oppose her viewpoint. And when I made that connection, I was impressed. She could have ignored my message and not replied. After all, I wasn't even writing to her personally--it was a group message. She could have shared her family traditions with me (or ignored my message) without going to the symposium's website to find out what it was about. But that's not what she did. She did a little research to find out the symposium's position, and then, instead of remaining quiet and passive, she wrote me back. And she did so in the most respectful way possible. In fact, she didn't even say why she could not offer her support to the symposium--I figured that out myself. But she raised her voice and let her lack of support known. She made a stand.

How many times could I have made a similar stand on something I believe in, but chose to say nothing? I am filled with respect and admiration for my friend's activeness and integrity in supporting what she believes. I feel inspired to do the same. When something goes against my personal values, I want to say something, and let my lack of support known. Similarly, I want to show my support to causes and projects and laws whose values I agree with.

The Problem with Shining

We're supposed to let our light shine, right? Interestingly enough, "it is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us." --Marianne Williamson That phrase seems counter intuitive. Everyone wants to be great, so why would it be our light that scares us? In talking with my roommate, I've decided that it's not necessarily our light that we fear--it's other people's reactions to our light.

What happens when we shine? (shining=showing forth our strengths and talents instead of hiding them, and hopefully doing so for altruistic purposes) When we shine, people are made aware of their own darkness, and react in one of two ways:**

1) they withdraw from us. They are made uncomfortable and insecure by our light, and instead of rising up, they retreat from us into the comfortable cushion of undisturbed mediocrity. This is a common reaction. This is what we fear.

2) they will be drawn to us. They are inspired by us and feel liberated to also shine. They are freed from the familiar ties of mediocrity, and reach up toward their potential.

There really isn't a middle ground. When you shine, people will either come or leave. And that is scary. It is scary to go to that point where one of two things will happen, and you can't have both anymore. In fact, because of that fear, we often wallow in indecision and lose both. Risk-taking is essential to success. And that is why our light scares us. Pretty ridiculous if you think about it. Understandable, but ridiculous. What have we got to lose, anyway, right?

After all, we are all children of God, the Being who shines for all to see. If we're growing to become "perfect even as He is perfect," then we ought to lose our fear, and shine.





**I think it is also important to note that others' reactions will be greatly influenced by our own approach to shining. Egotism makes people withdraw. Sincerity and goodwill draw people in. Yet the other determinant in this situation is the character of the other person, and you can't control that. How they react is their choice. You, however, can determine your own intentions and approach to shining.

Reflections on the Creation of the World

We are studying the Old Testament in Sunday School this year, and today we talked about the Creation. I personally had never found the creation to be that interesting. I had often heard it and I only looked at it for face value without considering it very deeply.

Today I looked at it differently. And it is changing my perspective.

The record we have of the creation is a very condensed description of what must have been a long and detailed process. But what we are told is that God spoke, and it was. God said that things should be a certain way, and then they happened exactly as he said, and he pronounced them "good."

What we are not told, however, is what happened in between when he spoke and when it happened. We presume that it was instantaneous. What occurred to me today is that it was a process. He spoke, and he didn't finish creating the thing until it was exactly as he had set out to do. It was a process of becoming exactly right. He was patient and diligent until the end.

What if God had acted as so many of us do? What if he had conceived this great idea, started with fervor, got slowly discouraged or lost excitement, and stopped half way through the process to go start something else? We wouldn't be here! The earth wouldn't exist! But that's NOT what happened. He had an idea, he planned it, and he saw it through to its completion. And he didn't settle for a mediocre job, either. He fulfilled his plans, making the earth exactly as he wanted to, and pronounced it good.

And we should do likewise. Each of us is in the process of creation. In the big picture, we are creating the people we want to be. Part of that is the other goals we set for ourselves. The end has not yet come. We cannot give up. We must press forward until things are complete, in the way we have planned. There is no need for frenzied haste, but there is a need for patience and diligent work, constantly progressing until we reach our goal.

In my faith, we believe that each of us should take God for our example and try to be like Him. This is one way we can do so. We can set goals. We can finish what we start. We can create.

The Curiosity of Expectations

I’ve been pondering on the role and influence of expectations in relationships for the past few weeks. It seems like expectations can have both positive and negative effects. For example, the highest predictor of good teenage behavior is parental expectations. But expectations can also cause a lot of harm. Knowing of someone’s expectations of you can make you feel pressure and strain the relationship. So how can you know what expectations are good? Are all high and realistic expectations good? How do you know what is reasonable to expect?

Consider briefly the following situations:

A mother expects her child to get good grades.

A roommate expects her fellow roommates to do their own dishes.

A husband expects his wife to keep herself physically fit.

Are any of those expectations unreasonable? To a point, no. But think of the harm that each of those expectations has the potential to do. The receiver of the expectation could feel immense pressure, maybe develop a complex, etc. Perhaps they will start doing the expected action because of the other person, rather than for personal motivation. It could definitely strain the relationship.

But does that mean you shouldn’t have expectations? No, the problem is not the expectation itself. The problem lies in how the expecter is viewing the other person. It’s not what you expect, it’s how you do it. It’s how you are feeling and what you are thinking. And that’s where charity comes in. Elder Marvin J. Ashton said,

“Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.”

Charity seeks the growth of others. So how is the expectation inherent in charity different from other expectations? I believe it is because of many reasons:

1) Charity’s expectation is what is best for the other person, not because you want it, but because you love them and want the best for them for their sakes, not yours.

2) Charity does not take offense or get upset when the other person disappoints you. Charity is unjudging and patient and kind. Thus the other person doesn’t feel fear of not reaching the expectation. Pure love casteth away all fear.

3) Perhaps most importantly, Charity empowers the other person to fulfill their potential. Instead of pressuring the other person and causing them to do the thing because you want them to, Charity builds the other person’s sense of self by seeing the greatness that lies within. Charity helps you to do what is best/become your best because you want to. You are the active agent in shaping your own life, and charity enables you to feel that. Thus, charity increases the intrinsic motivation of the person to be good.

Thus, I think that asking yourself whether your expectations are reasonable is a secondary issue. First examine your heart. Try substituting your name for the word charity, and consider this scripture in regards to the situation you are facing:

“And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” (Mor. 7:45)

Anyway, these are some preliminary thoughts. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around this issue. I think that expectations play a bigger role in our relationships than we may sometimes realize. And here’s even more food for thought: the root of all contention is different expectations. hmmm I just was told that one tonight. Very interesting stuff.