The Curiosity of Expectations

I’ve been pondering on the role and influence of expectations in relationships for the past few weeks. It seems like expectations can have both positive and negative effects. For example, the highest predictor of good teenage behavior is parental expectations. But expectations can also cause a lot of harm. Knowing of someone’s expectations of you can make you feel pressure and strain the relationship. So how can you know what expectations are good? Are all high and realistic expectations good? How do you know what is reasonable to expect?

Consider briefly the following situations:

A mother expects her child to get good grades.

A roommate expects her fellow roommates to do their own dishes.

A husband expects his wife to keep herself physically fit.

Are any of those expectations unreasonable? To a point, no. But think of the harm that each of those expectations has the potential to do. The receiver of the expectation could feel immense pressure, maybe develop a complex, etc. Perhaps they will start doing the expected action because of the other person, rather than for personal motivation. It could definitely strain the relationship.

But does that mean you shouldn’t have expectations? No, the problem is not the expectation itself. The problem lies in how the expecter is viewing the other person. It’s not what you expect, it’s how you do it. It’s how you are feeling and what you are thinking. And that’s where charity comes in. Elder Marvin J. Ashton said,

“Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.”

Charity seeks the growth of others. So how is the expectation inherent in charity different from other expectations? I believe it is because of many reasons:

1) Charity’s expectation is what is best for the other person, not because you want it, but because you love them and want the best for them for their sakes, not yours.

2) Charity does not take offense or get upset when the other person disappoints you. Charity is unjudging and patient and kind. Thus the other person doesn’t feel fear of not reaching the expectation. Pure love casteth away all fear.

3) Perhaps most importantly, Charity empowers the other person to fulfill their potential. Instead of pressuring the other person and causing them to do the thing because you want them to, Charity builds the other person’s sense of self by seeing the greatness that lies within. Charity helps you to do what is best/become your best because you want to. You are the active agent in shaping your own life, and charity enables you to feel that. Thus, charity increases the intrinsic motivation of the person to be good.

Thus, I think that asking yourself whether your expectations are reasonable is a secondary issue. First examine your heart. Try substituting your name for the word charity, and consider this scripture in regards to the situation you are facing:

“And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” (Mor. 7:45)

Anyway, these are some preliminary thoughts. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around this issue. I think that expectations play a bigger role in our relationships than we may sometimes realize. And here’s even more food for thought: the root of all contention is different expectations. hmmm I just was told that one tonight. Very interesting stuff.

The Importance of Remaining Vulnerable

Several weeks ago in sacrament meeting, the speaker said, "You need to choose to remain vulnerable. Don't let trials harden you." I don't even remember the context in which it was spoken, but those words have stayed with me, and I've pondered them ever since. In my pondering I have found that the decision to remain vulnerable is essential to successful living.

There is a time in between making a decision and knowing its outcome in which you feel unsafe and vulnerable. You put yourself out there, you took a risk, and you don't know what will come of it. Will it be exhilarating success? Will you suffer a crushing defeat? You don't know. And in the meantime, you feel uncomfortably exposed.

These situations present themselves all the time--learning a new skill, sharing your feelings about the gospel to someone, making a controversial point in class, asking someone out on a date, telling someone you like them, etc. The risk taken can vary from small to momentous. In addition to risks, I believe that any time you fully invest yourself in something you are making yourself somewhat vulnerable. It is safe to be mediocre; full investment in anything can be emotionally and/or physically unsafe. And I believe that taking such risks and making such investments are what make a life lived.

After investing yourself in something and experiencing failure, your wounded heart might encourage you to curl up in a ball and not expose yourself to defeat ever again. This is where "choosing to remain vulnerable" comes in. Remind yourself of what you want to achieve. You have to choose to take the chance of failure, for this is the only way to take the chance of success. Inaction guarantees zero success.

One of my favorite country singers, Garth Brooks, wrote a song about this. He said, "Life is not tried, it is merely survived if you're standing outside the fire." Of course it's safer to stand outside the fire, but to what end? Your dreams, your hopes, your goals and aspirations all require you to take the chance of getting burned. That is the only way to achieve what you want in life.

So if you feel that uncomfortable twinge of vulnerability, remember this and take heart: you are choosing to live the life you want to live.

The Need to Create

I really enjoyed this talk when it was given, and I really enjoyed this video that was created from it. Hope you enjoy it, too!

The Cost of Considering Opportunity Cost: An Insight into BYU Dating

Dictionary.com describes opportunity cost as, "The cost of an alternative that must be forgone in order to pursue a certain action. Put another way, the benefits you could have received by taking an alternative action."

Have you ever thought of this in terms of dating? I have, and I've talked with several friends who have, too. It usually goes like this: you like someone, have been going on dates, and are considering entering a relationship with this person, but you're not sure yet. And then you think about the opportunity cost of doing so. If you steady date this person, then that means that you can't date other people. Is it worth it? Do you like this person enough to dedicate time and energy to him (we'll just say "him" since I think him/her is atrocious and disruptive), such that your efforts are focused on him, and you stop "looking around" for a potential match? Then, the inevitable big question: WHAT if there's someone BETTER? oooh, that one makes you stop and think. "I'm pretty awesome," you think to yourself, "I know I deserve someone awesome. Is this person as good as I can get? Or is there someone better?" It sounds cocky and self-centered, but I daresay that this same thought process has entered more heads than you may think. And thus I consider the cost of considering opportunity cost.

What is the result of this thinking? I think the immediate result is perilous delay within the jaws of indecision. These things are tender and ephemeral--if you don't grab an opportunity, it may pass you by, never to return again. One possible result is that you end up single, always waiting (or searching) for greener pastures. The other result is that you may go into a relationship half-heartedly, which the other person does not deserve. Of course I acknowledge the possibility that this may actually work out for some people, and they really do end up with super awesome counterparts, but I submit that their mindset would have to be changed slightly before this happens.

One of my good friends described the problem to me in this way: when we are considering opportunity cost, we are looking at what the other person brings with them to the relationship--one person may bring more than another, and thereby be a "better" option. The thing is, in the LDS faith we believe in eternal marriage and eternal progression--thus, whatever talent (or disposition, in some cases) someone hasn't acquired in 20 years may well be acquired over the course of an eternity. So what does matter? What you build together. Relationships are about what you can build together. That is what matter most. A person may look good on paper, with their long list of accomplishments and such, but if their personality doesn't mesh with yours in a way that you can improve together and accomplish together, what does it amount to? So if you have been going on dates with someone, you are building something. You can look at that and evaluate it and see if it has the potential to continue progressing and become something really good. What you can't do is take what you've built with one person and compare it to someone that you haven't built anything with (i.e. the opportunity cost, the people you would be dating or might be meeting if you weren't with this person). If you haven't built anything with that other person, how can you even evaluate if it would be better than what you have? (summarized from a conversation, 2009)

So what do you do? You focus on truth--things as they really are. Instead of conjecturing about how good a relationship might be with some dream girl you've never met (but is amazing and surely you are deserving) or some boy you admire from afar, bring your mind back to what is concrete and real. After all, we all know what you make of you and me when you assume things... Fantasy never yields productive results. So let's focus on what you do have and what you do know: what you have (are building) with the person you are dating and considering a relationship with. Is it good? Is it growing? Does it have potential? How does it make you feel? If the answers are positive, go for it. Don't wonder about what would happen with other people if you weren't dating this person. Those other people don't got nothin'--you haven't built anything with them yet! So step out of the jaws of indecision; you can make a decision one way or the other with no feelings of regret. Whatever you decide, be committed to it.




So that's what I'm thinking. What do you think? Does looking at relationships in terms of "building" something help to see the situation clearly?

Faith to do vs. Faith to be patient

This is going off of my last post on the faith not to worry. I've been thinking a lot about the role faith plays in life, especially at the stage I'm in.

In my mission, I had to have the faith to do. Going up and talking to someone on the street was exercising my faith. Challenging someone to be baptized exercised my faith. Basically, doing what I was expected to do as a missionary was exercising faith. Each time I obeyed, I was strengthening my faith and my power to do more.

I'm noticing that in daily post-mission life, faith is a bit different. There are many unknowns. Many decisions. Many things that I have to wait and see and have the faith that everything will turn out alright as long as I am being obedient. This is the faith to be patient. I think the faith not to worry is included in this term. Or maybe a better term would be the faith to trust. Being patient and not worrying both are demonstrations of trusting in the Lord. We have to trust in his timing. Trust that he knows what's best for us and cares for us. Trust that everything will go turn out for our good.

I believe that when we sincerely feel this type of faith, this calm reassuring faith, we are true believers. It is one thing to say you believe in Christ. It is another thing to let this belief become a part of you to the point where you trust in Him more than in yourself. And you feel great peace about it.

Love this clip!

The Faith not to Worry

I've been thinking a lot lately about the relationship between worrying and faith. I've been kind of worried during the past two weeks. Sometimes I would feel worried without even having anything specific to worry about--I was just stressed constantly. I haven't gotten like that since 8th grade and a few times in high school. Somehow, it seems like my capacity to deal with school is a bit diminished since coming home from my mission. During summer term it was fine because the load is less, but fall semester has been intense. I've been feeling a ton of pressure to get married (the theme is rather omnipresent here at BYU), and that has been worrying me as well.

And I've come to a conclusion: if I'm worrying, I'm neglecting my faith in Jesus Christ. Think about it, if I'm worried about something, that means that I'm taking things too much into my own hands. I think that only I am responsible for the outcomes in my life, and doubting my own ability, instead of sharing the burden with Christ and having faith in his power to magnify my abilities. If I have faith in Christ, then I have the peace to know that everything will work out. Even if there are troubles and problems, it will all end up ok. I don't need to worry about it. With faith, I can calmly face life. I am also more productive, because instead of wasting time worrying, I am calmly and steadily making progress. I am more content. Knowing this principle is true doesn't necessarily make it easy to live. I often forget about it and have to remind myself to have faith and not worry.

I think this principle is demonstrated by the woman in the story that Elder D. Todd Christofferson told in his talk "The Power of Covenants." This woman lost her house and all her belongings in a massive earthquake. Her family, however, was ok. A church leader inquired as to her situation and remarked that she was still smiling in spite of her loss. She replied, "Yes. I have prayed and I am at peace." How simple and profound! There were a million things she could be worried about at that moment. But she prayed and she felt peace. She had faith, and thus she did not worry. She knew God would take care of her.