When I was younger, I considered myself a tom boy. I played in the mud, had spitting wars with my brothers, played with toy dinosaurs and cars and legos more than I did with dolls. I was ashamed at age 8 to want to play with Barbies, so I did it incognito at my neighbor's house, then slinked home, knowing my brothers would tease me if they ever found out. SO, I didn't even know how to put my hair into a pony tail until 5th grade. I'd go shopping with my mom and sisters, and have no idea what was "cute" or not. I remember praying for God to make me a boy.
Thus, even after I grew out of that, I still had warped ideas about what it meant to be feminine. To me, femininity meant pink and frills and shopping and make-up and being prissy. Everything I wasn't. So even though I decided that I liked being a girl, I thought I must not be very "feminine" because I wasn't "girly." I didn't know then, but those words mean two very different things.
Not considering myself feminine gave me a complex at times during college and during my mission, when I had girly friends or companions. I had a companion that wore frills and curled her hair, and was the epitome of both girly and feminine. I wondered if I was looked at as "one of the guys" by the elders, or as a lady. I asked a trusted friend, and he told me I was "very feminine." That made me feel validated, but also confused. And thus began my journey to define what it actually means to be feminine.
Dr. Laura has helped me to define something that I already knew intuitively. Although I do not enjoy her radio show very much, I have quite enjoyed the books of hers that I've read: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Woman Power, and now The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriages. Don't let the titles turn you off--they are filled with truth and wisdom.
The thing is, men and women are different, and they should be. In a quest to find "equality," society has been misdirected to think this means "sameness." To be equal does not mean to be the same. However, the messages we are bombarded with daily try to make men and women as same as possible. As a result, our men are becoming more womanly, and our women are becoming more manly. We are losing our unique, complimentary characteristics.
Now in defining masculinity and femininity, I have realized something. The characteristics that define each of them are not mutually exclusive. Their are women who naturally have traits that would be on the masculine side, and vice versa. This is normal. The point is not that women do not have traits on the masculine side, it means that they aren't "defined" by them. Their defining characteristics are others, although they may possess some of the prominent characteristics of the other gender.
On her website, Dr. Laura conducted a poll, asking the men what they appreciated most about women, and asking the women what they appreciated most about men. I think the answers hold keys to defining what femininity and masculinity really are. Here are the poll answers:
Question: What do you, as a man, most admire about women in general?
1. Social skills, nurturing nature, compassion, sensitivity, listening skills, focus on relationships and bonding (friends, family, community)
2. Physical softness, sexy, curvy, beautiful, and graceful bodies
3. They will sacrifice for family, the power of creation of new life, being mothers
4. Better at details (multitasking)
5. They take the rough, hard edges off this world, they bring feelings and emotions and a sense of intimacy to us logical guys
6. They can create a home out of any environment, adding aesthetics (color, grace, beauty) to life, they make a house into a sanctuary... a home, homemaking
7. The positive effect a good woman can have on her husband and family
8. In femininity there is gentle power over people
One of her male listeners made this comment, "A real woman is someone who has no shame in being a wife and a mother, and puts her career on hold until the kids are grown. A real woman is available emotionally, spiritually, and physically for her man. She is selfless, and in doing so, loves herself because she has so much to offer." That last line made me think.
Question: What do you, as a woman, most admire about men in general?
1. Hardiness, physical strength, masculinity, mental toughness, protective, courage, self-confident, persevering, emotional strength when facing fear
2. Ability to see the whole picture objectively, think logically, get things done, practicality
3. Honest, straight to the point, backbone, strength of character and opinion, uncomplicated
4. They get over things fast, can be friends with other men who have hurt their feelings (not petty, catty, or gossipy), bond easily, don't make everything a crisis, up front with anger, don't over-analyze everything
5. Provider for family, responsible, driven to fix and help, leadership and devotion
6. Chivalry, gentlemanly behavior, willingness to slay dragons every day, they will sacrifice everything to make their woman happy
7. They are put together nicely and their passion in sex, they are comfortable with their bodies
8. Their simplicity
Another comment from one of her female listeners says the following, " Feminists abandoned all the virtues of womanhood (modesty, tact, subtlety, civility) and adopted all the vices of men (promiscuity, vulgarity, aggressiveness). Perhaps this would be less appalling if the feminists adopted at least some of the male virtues (logical thought, adherence to principles, stoicism, reticence), but they have not. Paradoxically, feminism today is about hating men, but at the same time encouraging detestable behavior in mean: how, exactly, has abortion on demand improved male/female relationships?"
So I read this chapter of Dr. Laura's book with a grain of salt, comparing it with what I believe, still attempting to define what true masculinity is and true femininity is. I still need help. But here's what I got so far (keeping in mind that each set is not mutually exclusive, but are simply the defining traits):
Masculinity is: strength, loyalty, courage, responsible for family, provider and protector, dedicated, problem-solver, logical thinker, resistant (puts up with stuff/copes well), simple (not as in stupid--as in "not-complicated")
Masculinity is not: violence, crudeness, vulgarity, dominating, excessive competing, meanness, gambling/pornography/other
Femininity is: nurturing, loving, modesty, beauty/grace, connecting people, bringing positive emotion, inner strength, possessing great influence and power for good over others, selflessness
Femininity is not: being petty, catty, gossipy, being a doormat nor a power-seeking monster, busybody-ness, being a man-eater, not needing men, getting an abortion nor having 20 kids, giving free sex, etc. Femininity is not created by but may be accompanied by enjoying shopping, pedicures, certain clothing, etc.
I believe that feminine women can be found both in the home and in the work place. But I believe that a woman's source of true satisfaction comes from the work she does within her home and family. I believe that masculinity and femininity are attracted to each other and are complimented by each other. We are made different so that we can balance each other. Balance is not to be achieved by each gender coming toward the middle. Let us embrace what is naturally ours, and rejoice in the differences of the opposite gender.
What do you think? How did I do on my definition? What else should be included?
