I’ve been pondering on the role and influence of expectations in relationships for the past few weeks. It seems like expectations can have both positive and negative effects. For example, the highest predictor of good teenage behavior is parental expectations. But expectations can also cause a lot of harm. Knowing of someone’s expectations of you can make you feel pressure and strain the relationship. So how can you know what expectations are good? Are all high and realistic expectations good? How do you know what is reasonable to expect?
Consider briefly the following situations:
A mother expects her child to get good grades.
A roommate expects her fellow roommates to do their own dishes.
A husband expects his wife to keep herself physically fit.
Are any of those expectations unreasonable? To a point, no. But think of the harm that each of those expectations has the potential to do. The receiver of the expectation could feel immense pressure, maybe develop a complex, etc. Perhaps they will start doing the expected action because of the other person, rather than for personal motivation. It could definitely strain the relationship.
But does that mean you shouldn’t have expectations? No, the problem is not the expectation itself. The problem lies in how the expecter is viewing the other person. It’s not what you expect, it’s how you do it. It’s how you are feeling and what you are thinking. And that’s where charity comes in. Elder Marvin J. Ashton said,
“Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.”
Charity seeks the growth of others. So how is the expectation inherent in charity different from other expectations? I believe it is because of many reasons:
1) Charity’s expectation is what is best for the other person, not because you want it, but because you love them and want the best for them for their sakes, not yours.
2) Charity does not take offense or get upset when the other person disappoints you. Charity is unjudging and patient and kind. Thus the other person doesn’t feel fear of not reaching the expectation. Pure love casteth away all fear.
3) Perhaps most importantly, Charity empowers the other person to fulfill their potential. Instead of pressuring the other person and causing them to do the thing because you want them to, Charity builds the other person’s sense of self by seeing the greatness that lies within. Charity helps you to do what is best/become your best because you want to. You are the active agent in shaping your own life, and charity enables you to feel that. Thus, charity increases the intrinsic motivation of the person to be good.
Thus, I think that asking yourself whether your expectations are reasonable is a secondary issue. First examine your heart. Try substituting your name for the word charity, and consider this scripture in regards to the situation you are facing:
“And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” (
Anyway, these are some preliminary thoughts. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around this issue. I think that expectations play a bigger role in our relationships than we may sometimes realize. And here’s even more food for thought: the root of all contention is different expectations. hmmm I just was told that one tonight. Very interesting stuff.
