That I Might "Not Shrink"

I've been going through a rough time lately that could be made a lot easier if I moved.  Living where I do, the issue is always in my face, and the scab on my heart is picked at daily.  It's kind of hard to heal (understatement of the year).

I counsel with the Lord in everything that's important to me, so naturally I've talked with Him about this.  He has encouraged me to stay.  I feel that I'm not supposed to run away (as I have with similar situations in the past).  I'm supposed to face this head on.  I'm not supposed to "shrink."

Elder Bednar, one of the twelve apostles, spoke on this subject in March.  The quotes I use come from his talk.  Shrinking means to "retreat or recoil," to step back from the hard thing we are facing.  The term comes from modern day scripture, when Christ speaks about his atoning sacrifice.  It is the only scripture I know of where we get to hear His perspective on the suffering He endured:

“Therefore I command you to repent—repent, lest I smite you by the rod of my mouth, and by my wrath, and by my anger, and your sufferings be sore—how sore you know not, how exquisite you know not, yea, how hard to bear you know not.

“For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent;

“But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I;

“Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—

“Nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men” (D&C19:15–19).

Jesus wanted to bravely face the hardest thing He could ever do.  He didn't want to "shrink" from the assignment His Father had given Him.  Elder Bednar quotes Elder Maxwell in saying, "Moreover, partaking of a bitter cup without becoming bitter is likewise part of the emulation of Jesus."

I, too, want to face this without shrinking.  I want to drink this bitter cup without becoming bitter.  The temptation occasionally comes to vilify the object of my pain, to emphasize his negative attributes and victimize myself.  But I reject those thoughts.  I know they aren't true, and I know they come from the Father of Lies.  I choose love.  I choose to continue to love.

Elder Bednar continues his remarks by quoting Elder Orson F. Whitney about the purpose of trials.
“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire” 

This quote gives purpose to my suffering and gives me strength to endure well.  I am turning to Christ and He gives me grace to confront this head on.  My heart is softening, and I am becoming a little more like my Lord and Savior.  Though I never would have chosen it, I am grateful to have this experience and learn these lessons.