Sorry about the convoluted title...but I couldn't think of a good way to express what I'm going to write. So what I've noticed is that how I feel about myself influences if I accept what other people think of me. When I have let myself down and have a loss of self-respect, or am just feeling bad about myself, I am not open to accepting love from others. I think that if Mr. Right came around, I would probably not be in a state of mind to be able to receive his feelings for me, because they don't mirror my own. I wouldn't feel like I could trust them, or that what he thinks of me is valid.
It's an interesting concept, isn't it? I have started to realize that I am probably not alone in this, although many people probably are not aware of it. It's a humbling thing to think that you are in such a state. And I'm not in it always; I'm not like that. I've just come to realize that sometimes I am more loving of others than I am of myself, and consequently I am not as open to receiving love. This topic was brought to my mind, because in talking to a friend, the thought came to me that he might be experiencing this. I suggested that possibility to him, and he thought that probably was the case.
I wonder how often this happens, that we close ourselves off from the possibility of mutual love? It probably happens when we are trying to do things on our own, and it doesn't work, and all we see is that we don't measure up. We make efforts that fail, and we keep on trying the same things, when what we need to do is stop, ponder, and pray. Work with the Lord. Repent of our sins, and pray to be able to see ourselves (and others) as He sees us. Make the Lord a partner in the creation of our lives, in our daily lives. Each choice we make is creating our lives, and we choose how it will be. The atonement of Christ is key in being able to heal, and move on, and improve--enabling us to love ourselves and be open to receive their love as well.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Monday, December 3, 2007
Prayer
I was having a writing conference with this girl who is Muslim, planning out her doctrinal paper for Rel 100 a few days ago. We were talking about things she could compare between the two religions, and I mentioned that she could discuss prayer. "But Mormons don't pray," she said. I told her that we do pray, and I explained several things about prayer. She had never seen her roommates pray, so she didn't think that we did.
I've been learning a lot of things about prayer this semester, actually. I'm starting to become accountable for the things I have heard about prayer. Sometimes it seems like God is responsive to any half-hearted effort you make to be close to Him, but then you get to the point where you have to step it up. I think I came to one of those points this semester in the area of prayer.
Before, I could just think briefly about my day and what I'd pray for, then begin. I'd heard that it was a good idea to write out what you want to say, but I'd only done it a time or two. Then a few weeks ago, I realized that my prayers weren't focused, and that having my mind wander in the middle of the prayer was disrespectful and not effective. I remembered the idea about writing things down before praying, and that has helped a lot! I think more about what I want to say and I think a little more about who it is I'm talking to.
I've also realized the importance of writing down impressions after praying. When I stay on my knees for a few moments after praying, I occasionally have a thought or impression come to my mind. I've noticed that if I take the time to write that impression down, I have more details to write. The thought expands, and I come to new understanding.
Maybe what this boils down to is having respect for sacred things, and showing that you're wanting to receive revelation. Writing beforehand shows that you have a high regard for prayer as a vehicle and for God and his relationship to you. Writing afterward shows that you value receiving revelation and want to remember/act upon it.
And why do we pray, anyway? It's for us. Prayer benefits me much more than it benefits Heavenly Father. It is a way for me to stop and consider what His will is for me, and to strive to have that be the same as my will. It helps me to consciously think about being partners with God in making my life a success. It helps me to lose my life so that I can find it.
When I do the things I've learned, I reach a higher level of progression. When I don't, well, it isn't very fulfilling, and it usually leads to falling short of other expectations I have for myself. Have you ever noticed things like this in your life?
I've been learning a lot of things about prayer this semester, actually. I'm starting to become accountable for the things I have heard about prayer. Sometimes it seems like God is responsive to any half-hearted effort you make to be close to Him, but then you get to the point where you have to step it up. I think I came to one of those points this semester in the area of prayer.
Before, I could just think briefly about my day and what I'd pray for, then begin. I'd heard that it was a good idea to write out what you want to say, but I'd only done it a time or two. Then a few weeks ago, I realized that my prayers weren't focused, and that having my mind wander in the middle of the prayer was disrespectful and not effective. I remembered the idea about writing things down before praying, and that has helped a lot! I think more about what I want to say and I think a little more about who it is I'm talking to.
I've also realized the importance of writing down impressions after praying. When I stay on my knees for a few moments after praying, I occasionally have a thought or impression come to my mind. I've noticed that if I take the time to write that impression down, I have more details to write. The thought expands, and I come to new understanding.
Maybe what this boils down to is having respect for sacred things, and showing that you're wanting to receive revelation. Writing beforehand shows that you have a high regard for prayer as a vehicle and for God and his relationship to you. Writing afterward shows that you value receiving revelation and want to remember/act upon it.
And why do we pray, anyway? It's for us. Prayer benefits me much more than it benefits Heavenly Father. It is a way for me to stop and consider what His will is for me, and to strive to have that be the same as my will. It helps me to consciously think about being partners with God in making my life a success. It helps me to lose my life so that I can find it.
When I do the things I've learned, I reach a higher level of progression. When I don't, well, it isn't very fulfilling, and it usually leads to falling short of other expectations I have for myself. Have you ever noticed things like this in your life?
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Maybe I should think before I speak...
So the other day in my Writing Fellows training class we took the Meyers Briggs personality test. One of the things I had to choose between was: a) I usually think on my feet, as I'm talking. b) I usually reflect on what I'm going to say before I say it. I definitely answered "a."
Later on in that class period, the teacher said something about how I hadn't done my dialogical log. I told her that I had, and she said that I'd turned it in but that I still needed to have my conference with her. Without think, I said, "Oh yeah, that's right! You canceled, and we never made another appointment!"
Apparently it sounded like I was finding fault with her, and my whole class reacted. I had no intention of being a twerp; I was saying exactly what came into my mind. I had completely forgotten about needing to have a conference until that moment. I wasn't trying to say something negative about her for canceling our earlier appointment; that was just the sequence of events all coming back to my mind at once.
This instance has been mentioned a few times in class since then as an example of a "conflict." It has caused me to feel uncomfortable, which consequently is making me think that I should think before I speak. My older brother is good at this--he told me that before he speaks, he thinks of every way that the other person could take what he's saying. He wants to make sure that he doesn't say things that are taken in a bad way or a different way than he means. He also told me that he often makes up scenarios in his mind and figures out what he would say and how the other person would interpret what he's saying. I never do that! Typically I start speaking as soon as I think it. Occasionally I'll weigh if I should say a certain thing or if I should phrase it in a certain way...but that's rare.
I wonder how communication would change if everyone thought carefully about what they were saying.
Later on in that class period, the teacher said something about how I hadn't done my dialogical log. I told her that I had, and she said that I'd turned it in but that I still needed to have my conference with her. Without think, I said, "Oh yeah, that's right! You canceled, and we never made another appointment!"
Apparently it sounded like I was finding fault with her, and my whole class reacted. I had no intention of being a twerp; I was saying exactly what came into my mind. I had completely forgotten about needing to have a conference until that moment. I wasn't trying to say something negative about her for canceling our earlier appointment; that was just the sequence of events all coming back to my mind at once.
This instance has been mentioned a few times in class since then as an example of a "conflict." It has caused me to feel uncomfortable, which consequently is making me think that I should think before I speak. My older brother is good at this--he told me that before he speaks, he thinks of every way that the other person could take what he's saying. He wants to make sure that he doesn't say things that are taken in a bad way or a different way than he means. He also told me that he often makes up scenarios in his mind and figures out what he would say and how the other person would interpret what he's saying. I never do that! Typically I start speaking as soon as I think it. Occasionally I'll weigh if I should say a certain thing or if I should phrase it in a certain way...but that's rare.
I wonder how communication would change if everyone thought carefully about what they were saying.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Self-expectations
I've been realizing lately that I have a lot of expectations for myself, and that I often don't live up to my own standard. I expect that I will be a person of integrity, doing what I know is best. But I often don't. I know that it would be best to work on writing my paper, or practicing the piano, or going for a run, but instead I'm checking my e-mail and facebook several times a day. I know that it is best for me to eat healthy food and not to overeat, but I succumb to the temptations of tastier delights. I expect myself to be up to date with my homework, to read my church lessons ahead of time, to have daily meaningful prayer and scripture study, to keep up with world news, to keep in contact with family and old friends, to write my friends on missions, to read books for personal enrichment, to make time for artistic and creative expression, to drink 64 oz of water a day, to stretch, to memorize scriptures, to know everyone in the ward, to volunteer in the TRC, to go to the temple, to notice ways that I can serve people, etc. And often I just don't measure up.
A few days ago I was feeling down about this. I have these expectations (some of which are more important than others, and I realize that), and when I know I should be doing something but I don't, it's basically an act of self-betrayal. Self-betrayal and a loss of self-respect go hand in hand. I think sometimes we get used to this. We sort of accept the fact that we continually do things that betray out values, thus continually losing self-respect.
The cure for this is prioritization of expectations, a plan for action, and then making progress. I have noticed that it doesn't matter what level I am at (I could be at level one when I expect myself to be on level five at something) as long as I am making progress. For example, it doesn't matter that I expect myself to be physically fit as long as I have been exercising and eating healthy today (which gives me confidence in my ability to continue to do so). Even the most minute progress is a source of positivity. Any forward motion does wonders for one's self-image. I may not be perfect, but I'm making steps in the right direction. :) I think the Lord smiles upon our efforts.
A few days ago I was feeling down about this. I have these expectations (some of which are more important than others, and I realize that), and when I know I should be doing something but I don't, it's basically an act of self-betrayal. Self-betrayal and a loss of self-respect go hand in hand. I think sometimes we get used to this. We sort of accept the fact that we continually do things that betray out values, thus continually losing self-respect.
The cure for this is prioritization of expectations, a plan for action, and then making progress. I have noticed that it doesn't matter what level I am at (I could be at level one when I expect myself to be on level five at something) as long as I am making progress. For example, it doesn't matter that I expect myself to be physically fit as long as I have been exercising and eating healthy today (which gives me confidence in my ability to continue to do so). Even the most minute progress is a source of positivity. Any forward motion does wonders for one's self-image. I may not be perfect, but I'm making steps in the right direction. :) I think the Lord smiles upon our efforts.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Taking the Time to Teach Kids to Work
This Thanksgiving my jobs were to make the rainbow jello, the homemade dinner rolls, and two chocolate pudding pies. My house was full of family, including cousins ranging from age 2 to 17. I was working in the kitchen most of the day, and my little cousins would zoom through and ask if I'd play with them. When I responded that I had to stay and help cook, they would ask if they could help me.
I knew that it would take a little longer to let them help me, but it only took me a second to tell them "sure." That gave me a unique opportunity to teach and to bond with these younger cousins. I really enjoyed it! They were so enthusiastic and so glad to be contributing. I was even able to impart a family special method of forming the bread dough into rolls to my 14 year old cousin, which she thought was way cool.
This made me think about the time that my mom spent teaching me skills. Anything that she let me help with took more time, but in the long run is worth it. Kids need adults who are patient and willing to let them help, learn, have the freedom to fail, and ultimately succeed in different tasks. Kids need to have the opportunity to work and learn skills that benefit the family. I think this makes kids feel good about themselves, as well as helps them appreciate all that it takes to keep a household running.
I'm grateful to my parents for making the effort to teach me how to cook, clean, do laundry, iron, paint, strip wallpaper, sand, nail, change the oil on a car, change a tire, assemble a computer, etc. And my parents didn't just teach these skills to my siblings and me, they also taught them to the neighbor kids! I'm glad to be a part of a family that works together. I think work is an important part of a happy home life. I want to teach these things to my children someday.
I knew that it would take a little longer to let them help me, but it only took me a second to tell them "sure." That gave me a unique opportunity to teach and to bond with these younger cousins. I really enjoyed it! They were so enthusiastic and so glad to be contributing. I was even able to impart a family special method of forming the bread dough into rolls to my 14 year old cousin, which she thought was way cool.
This made me think about the time that my mom spent teaching me skills. Anything that she let me help with took more time, but in the long run is worth it. Kids need adults who are patient and willing to let them help, learn, have the freedom to fail, and ultimately succeed in different tasks. Kids need to have the opportunity to work and learn skills that benefit the family. I think this makes kids feel good about themselves, as well as helps them appreciate all that it takes to keep a household running.
I'm grateful to my parents for making the effort to teach me how to cook, clean, do laundry, iron, paint, strip wallpaper, sand, nail, change the oil on a car, change a tire, assemble a computer, etc. And my parents didn't just teach these skills to my siblings and me, they also taught them to the neighbor kids! I'm glad to be a part of a family that works together. I think work is an important part of a happy home life. I want to teach these things to my children someday.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Fate vs. Free Will
I have been much occupied during the past 6 weeks by the decision of whether or not to go on a mission. This has brought up many different thoughts, and specifically a lot of thoughts about agency (thus the fate vs. free will title).
At one point, several weeks ago, I prayed to Heavenly Father and told him that I'd do whatever he wanted me to do (go or not go on a mission). He let me know that he doesn't work like that: he wouldn't tell me what to do; he wouldn't control my life. He wanted me to make a decision for myself. I respected that answer, but was frustrated with it at the same time. He was giving me back the responsibility for my own life! That's a profound concept.
I talked to a lot of people who had different thoughts about sister missionaries. Some told me, "You have to know that the Lord has called you, personally--that it's something you need to do." Others told me, "I didn't have to go; I chose to go, and I think that's how it is for most people." Thus, some people felt predestined, and others felt it was their free will.
This brought up the age old question for me of "how involved is God really in our lives?" Have I been foreordained to do certain things? How does my agency play into this? What is the case for me personally, in regards to a mission?
I haven't wrapped my head completely around this concept (so your comments and input are most welcome), but I have discovered some things.
2 Nephi 2:26 "And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, ..."
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and how it applies in all aspects of life. I need to take control of my life--no one else controls what destinations I get to, but me. I need to get in the driver's seat and take the wheel, rather than sitting in the back seat, watching the scenery of my life passing uncontrollably by me.
I found a thought-provoking quote by Brigham Young in the Journal of Discourses (2:139), "I put into you intelligence, saith the Lord, "that you may know how to govern and control yourselves, and make yourselves comfortable and happy on the earth; and give unto you certain privileges to act upon as independently in your sphere as I do in the government of heaven."
Whoa! Whose responsibility is it to make sure that I'm happy and comfortable? Mine. The Lord trusts me. I think taking responsibility for one's own life is part of the progression that must happen while we are in this probationary state, if we are to become like God. Making decisions is an integral part of that. It is something we must learn how to do.
Although I think that many choices are left up to us without promptings from God, I think that we are foreordained to do certain things, which happen according to our worthiness and our seeking to be guided. The Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Spencer W Kimball manual says, "Having given them their free agency, their Heavenly Father persuades and directs his children, but waits for their upreaching, their prayers, their sincere approach to him..." (p. 245). I think this is a true principle: that we must show forth our desire to be lead to do the things that we were foreordained to do. Desire, faith, then action. These are some of my thoughts as of late. :)
At one point, several weeks ago, I prayed to Heavenly Father and told him that I'd do whatever he wanted me to do (go or not go on a mission). He let me know that he doesn't work like that: he wouldn't tell me what to do; he wouldn't control my life. He wanted me to make a decision for myself. I respected that answer, but was frustrated with it at the same time. He was giving me back the responsibility for my own life! That's a profound concept.
I talked to a lot of people who had different thoughts about sister missionaries. Some told me, "You have to know that the Lord has called you, personally--that it's something you need to do." Others told me, "I didn't have to go; I chose to go, and I think that's how it is for most people." Thus, some people felt predestined, and others felt it was their free will.
This brought up the age old question for me of "how involved is God really in our lives?" Have I been foreordained to do certain things? How does my agency play into this? What is the case for me personally, in regards to a mission?
I haven't wrapped my head completely around this concept (so your comments and input are most welcome), but I have discovered some things.
2 Nephi 2:26 "And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, ..."
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and how it applies in all aspects of life. I need to take control of my life--no one else controls what destinations I get to, but me. I need to get in the driver's seat and take the wheel, rather than sitting in the back seat, watching the scenery of my life passing uncontrollably by me.
I found a thought-provoking quote by Brigham Young in the Journal of Discourses (2:139), "I put into you intelligence, saith the Lord, "that you may know how to govern and control yourselves, and make yourselves comfortable and happy on the earth; and give unto you certain privileges to act upon as independently in your sphere as I do in the government of heaven."
Whoa! Whose responsibility is it to make sure that I'm happy and comfortable? Mine. The Lord trusts me. I think taking responsibility for one's own life is part of the progression that must happen while we are in this probationary state, if we are to become like God. Making decisions is an integral part of that. It is something we must learn how to do.
Although I think that many choices are left up to us without promptings from God, I think that we are foreordained to do certain things, which happen according to our worthiness and our seeking to be guided. The Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Spencer W Kimball manual says, "Having given them their free agency, their Heavenly Father persuades and directs his children, but waits for their upreaching, their prayers, their sincere approach to him..." (p. 245). I think this is a true principle: that we must show forth our desire to be lead to do the things that we were foreordained to do. Desire, faith, then action. These are some of my thoughts as of late. :)
Friday, November 16, 2007
In response to T.S. Elliot's question in "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
The Peach
Seize it.
Brush your thumb
Across its mossy exterior
Savor its weight in your hand, then
Bite.
Without regard to
The watery syrup rushing
Down your chin, neck,
Leaving sugary trails,
Wetting your shirt.
I know you want to.
So I'm starting this here blog...
I never thought that I'd start a blog. The only blogs that I had seen were just updates on people's lives--what they were doing. Then I saw a blog that was more of a depository of ideas and thoughts. I like that idea. I send a weekly e-mail to my family, so people already know what I'm up to, but people don't necessarily know what I'm thinking about.
My idea is to write about what I'm thinking about: social interactions, religion, politics, things I'm learning about in school, books I'm reading, etc. I also think I'll post some of my poetry (intellectual copyright 2007). :)
I've named my blog, "The Dialogue," because that is what I want it to be: "conversation between two or more persons," "an exchange of ideas or opinions on a particular issue, esp. a political or religious issue, with a view to reaching an amicable agreement or settlement" (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/dialogue).
Enjoy!
My idea is to write about what I'm thinking about: social interactions, religion, politics, things I'm learning about in school, books I'm reading, etc. I also think I'll post some of my poetry (intellectual copyright 2007). :)
I've named my blog, "The Dialogue," because that is what I want it to be: "conversation between two or more persons," "an exchange of ideas or opinions on a particular issue, esp. a political or religious issue, with a view to reaching an amicable agreement or settlement" (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/dialogue).
Enjoy!
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